Letting Yourself Go

     During the time that Mr. Awesome and I were engaged, someone said something to me that I thought was interesting.  I was wearing a pair of grey colored, suede, high-heeled boots that I really liked and this individual looked over to me and asked me why I was wearing the boots.  Her response to asking that question was that she felt  I shouldn't be wearing those types of shoes due to the fact that I was no longer on the market.  I found this baffling and wondered why she felt that I needed to change my style of shoes, let alone style of dress, just because I was getting married.  Does the fact that I was going to be walking down the aisle mean that I needed to switch my appearance to a more frumpy look?

     Unfortunately, she was not the only one who tried to push that mindset onto me.  I have heard different things suggesting the fact that since I am married now, it no longer matters how I look or keep myself.  I could not disagree more.  I do not consider myself a fashionista, but I do have a healthy sense of how I keep my appearance, for myself and for my husband.     The way that I put effort into keeping myself up before marriage should be the same amount of effort  that I put in after the wedding vows.  Now, I must admit that the hustle and bustle of daily tasks (especially with the children) has made it a bit more difficult to keep things up and I can now understand how some wives and mothers do find it easier just to throw on a pair of sweats.  However,  does that give us a right to let things go?  I have re-prioritized a few things so that I can continue to take care of things the way that I did prior to the I Do.  I know that there are many wives who feel that once the ring goes on, the husband should accept (without question) the scraggly robe with the hole in it and the granny panties that cover the entire back, but is that right?  Just as we want him to continue to do the things that he did to attract us, we should be willing to do the same.  Now am I saying that we should not be comfortable in our own home?  No, but we can still be comfortable while adding a nice attractive flair to it.  Don't our husband's deserve that?  Yes, sometimes I do not get out of my workout clothes before Mr. Awesome comes home and sometimes my hair is "in progress", but I do try to  give him a pleasing site when he comes through the door.    Sometimes, the schedule gets full and it is not always easy, but I feel that investing in myself is beneficial.....................  On the flip side , I have never experienced how it is to try to keep from letting yourself go when there is a little one who constantly showers you with every body fluid possible and robs you of a personal nap.  Hhhhhmmm.
    

      

Rest and Reflection

    
 
     When I married Mr. Awesome, I became an instant mother to my Bonus Daughter. Within a year we gained custody of our niece who was coming from an "interesting" situation.  Needless to say, children was always a factor within our relationship. As glad as I am to be able to be a mother figure to these two young girls, I can't deny the fact that it has been very difficult trying to adjust to it all. As it is with parenting, there have been good moments and there have been times when I felt a need to temporarily escape the responsibilities of it. And just recently, I had been feeling overwhelmed.  My Mother-in-Law requested to have her grandchildren visit for a portion of the summer and I was happy and relieved for a couple of reasons. It gave the children a chance to visit with their "Amma" and it gave Mr. Awesome and I some special connection time with each other. I must say that the time that we spent was very special and it gave me a chance to unwind from all of the adjustments that were happening. I was able to turn off the great balancing wheel and focus solely on our relationship. Although Mr. Awesome and I make sure that we have time to connect and have "couple only" time, this was a refreshing version of  long date night. 

     With this time, I was able to rediscover some things.  I was able to rediscover the art of just being, just being a wife.  It was nice to be able to lavish undivided attention on my husband, as he did with me.  It was nice being able to just be in each other's presence while feeling those butterflies that were felt during our courtship.  It was so nice looking at the man that I married nearly two years ago while falling even more deeply in love with him.  It was so nice to be able to act like a pair of lovers without any care in the world. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Although it was a few weeks, I am so thankful for that much needed time.  Don't get me wrong, as we were basking in the "just us" time, I did miss the girls and my heart melted every time I would talk to them over the phone.  Now that they are home, I am glad that they are back.  However, I am even more glad that there was that time to rest and be rejuvenated, because I am able to be a more patient and loving parent to them. It's a good thing, because cheer season is back in full swing.  Let's Go Hornets!!  
 

    
      

Daddy , A Daughter's First Love

     This past Father's Day, I gladly celebrated it with my bonus daughter and niece as we doted on and lavished Mr. Awesome with lots of appreciation for his role in our lives and to let him know how much we love him.  Although we celebrated him on this day, I could not help but to reminisce of my own father who passed away over eight years ago.  I wished very much that I could call him and tell him that I am very thankful that he was in my life and that he never left my brother or I to wonder where he was or if he was coming home.  The older that I get and the more people that I meet in life who suffer from wounds that stem from an absent father,  I realize how blessed I was to have him as a dad.  He was not perfect and neither was our life, but I stand thankful for always being able to say that I had an active father in my life.


     As they say, a dad is his daughter's first love.  He is the one who gives her a standard of what a man, father, and husband should look like.  He is the one who helps to validate the beauty within her.  He is her first example of what a man's protection should be, what his provisions for his family should be, and what his leadership of the family should be.  He is the umbrella of safety for her until she grows up and is joined to a husband of her own.  I did see a great deal of these things while growing into a young lady.  I witnessed seeing how a man leads his family, faithfully provides for, and how he protects his family.  Concerning the protection aspect of it alone, I really believed that God spared me from experiencing abuse that did happen within my family tree, because of my dad's rugged, tough, and protective demeanor.  Not too many people crossed him the wrong way.  I remember being a teenager at my first job and there was a guy who was picking on me for some unknown reason.  I called home because I was upset and before I could hang up the phone, my dad (and brother)  were standing at the front counter of the restaurant while pointing at the guy.  I don't know what was said to that guy in the corner of that restaurant that evening, but he never bothered me again.

     With all of the positive examples that I did get from my father, there was one thing in particular that I felt that I did lack, the emotional connection. Because of this, I sometimes doubted his love for me and looked for the emotional connection in the wrong places as I was coming of age.  However,  my doubts were extinguished as we were able to spend quality time alone before he passed away.  It was during this time that I felt that emotional connection with him only to realize that it was there all along.

     I wish that I could tell my father how much his presence in my life had blessed me, but for now I am thankful for the good standards that I had been given by him.  As I look at Mr. Awesome, I realized that he fits the good examples that my dad did set for me.  He is the priest, provider, and protector of our home and is thriving in his God-given role.  I feel very proud to be his wife and as I look at the example that he is giving my bonus daughter and niece, I am assured that their husbands will have to be great men of God too. 

Family Vacation!!

      This year, we decided to take a family vacation to visit Mickey and Minnie Mouse in Orlando.  I hadn't been since I was a senior in high school, so this trip was a treat.  We went with some great friends and between the adults and the children, we had a blast.  One of the things that made this pricey trip become priceless was the look on the children's faces when we arrived (although the older ones found out before the trip) .  Take a glimpse at some of the things that we did.

Grabbing Snacks Before Heading To Magic Kingdom



Waiting At The Disney Bus Stop Before Heading To Magic Kingdom

They Are Already Feeling The Florida Heat As Soon As We Got In The Park



Our Niece Learning The Hokey Pokey (Or Is She Teaching Him?? :) )



Bonus Daughter Having A Chuckle While I Am Trying To Figure Out Why Dumbo Is Trying To Harm Us



All Smiles Before Going To Epcot

It Takes A Strong Person To Hold The Epcot Sphere Up

Good Times In Epcot



And Then The Flood Came



A "Move Set" At Hollywood Studios



 

It Looks Like A Real City Doesn't It? (At Hollywood Studios)



There were other places that we did visit that I did not capture with the lens, but the time that we had was very nice.  However, with all that we did and with all that we saw and experienced, I would have to say that my favorite spot was this private pool located right outside of the family room of the villa that we stayed in :-). 



A Letter To Our Angel Baby

Dear Angel Baby:

     This has to be the hardest letter that I have written in my life. I know that it is because it has taken me so long to write it.  I remember getting the news that you were coming (although I had the feeling you were in there before I officially found out).  We were so happy, because it was something that we prayed for and something that I had waited for until I got married .  We were smiling from ear to ear and I was becoming amazed at the changes happening in my body that let me know that you were in the womb.  Although, I was not fully ready to expose your pending arrival yet, we decided to tell a few people and those people were beyond excited too.  We started thinking of how having you in our lives would bring joy (and sleepless nights) to our family.  I couldn't help but wonder whose nose you would have or whose eyes you would get.  I couldn't help but think of all of the cute little clothes that I would dress you up in and how all the grandmas would have to fight for your attention.  I started imaging your dad playing with you and being there for all of your many milestones while I would be right there too.  I looked up to God thanking him for answering our prayers.

     I was at work one day and I had a sign that you might be in trouble so I rushed to the Emergency Room and after much examination, the staff pulled up the ultrasound picture and I got a chance to see you.  You were so small and precious, although I could not make out any body parts.  The nurses all had smiles and it looked as if they were just as excited to see you in the womb as I was.  They sent me home and told me that it was a threatened miscarriage and that it should be OK.  I told your dad and he seemed a little worried, but we prayed.  When I went to the doctor the next week to do a regular check up, they could not find you anywhere in my womb.  The doctor took me to her office and asked me what was I going to do about it.  I assured her that there was a baby in the womb, because I saw it some days earlier.  So after she confirmed it with the Emergency Department, she let me know what I was afraid to hear. You had gone to be with the Lord...............................................

     I called your dad, whom had just gotten off work, and I could hardly get out what I needed to say because there was no audible sound coming from me, but the tears falling.  I felt like I could not move.  I felt like I could not breath.  How was I going to drive home from the doctor's office?  I could not understand how that small and precious being had been taken away from us.  How could the answered prayer be taken away from us?  How did our smiles and happy anticipation turn into grief.  I can not fully explain the feeling that I had on that day or the days to follow as I was miscarrying you.  That was one of the hardest times that I have ever experienced. I felt grief, shame, guilt,  disappointment, discouragement, and withdrawal.  Did I do something wrong to make you leave?  Did God see that I was not fit to be a mother?  I had so many questions.  I started to envy women who were carrying their babies to full term, even if they were not happy about having their baby.  I started avoiding being in situations where I would be reminded of our loss.  I was becoming bitter, while still knowing that everything the Lord does is for a reason.  It says in Proverbs 3:5 to trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, but I was still having a hard time processing that.  I knew this in my spirit, but my flesh would not accept it.

     I must say that over time, it has gotten a little easier, but my heart still wonders.  My heart still imagines you being here with us crawling around on the floor at this point.  My heart still imagines that your dad, I, and your big sister would all be playing with you and seeing after you.  My heart still longs for you and I do still cry (like now).  Although, I still struggle with these things, I know that the Lord did this for a reason.  I know that his will is supreme and his way is perfect.  I believe that you are in heaven with him.  I am so sad that I didn't get to hold you in my arms,  but I know that we will see you again.  Although I did not get to meet you here on earth, I love you so much and I miss you.
Today, my heart submits you to God.

Mommy

Military Wife Life

     I did not grow up in a military family, never had anyone in my family that was in the military, nor did I have neighbors who were in the military.  So my only real experience came from watching those who were in JROTC in high school or ROTC in college as well as listening to the stories of a friend who was married to a Sailor.  Outside of that, I never thought much of it.  I knew that the service men and women as well as their families made sacrifices, but I did not realize how much.  I remember seeing those stories on the news about the Sailor in uniform marching away from his family for months at a time as the family stayed behind trying to live as "normal" of a life as anyone else.  I can honestly say that although I had some sympathy, I did not have much because in my mind I reasoned that this was the life that they chose in the first place.

     Never did I imagine that I would fall in love with a man in uniform and become a part of a community that I once took for granted.  I must say that my perspective on a lot of things has changed since joining the military community.  Although my comfort zone is with that of the "Civilian world", I have a much greater appreciation of the things that we often take for granted in this society of ours.  Recently, an opportunity has fallen into my lap that allows me to have a closer walk with Mr. Awesome's command and hep serve the other Military families.  Just the short time in this role has opened my eyes even more to the great sacrifices of the service members and their families.  Although we have not experienced deployment as a married couple yet, I have experienced it when we were courting and I can say that it was quite a sacrifice then.  Therefore I can only imagine the sacrifices of the families who do it on a regular basis.  Yes, I love my career in Healthcare , but can't help but to think that we may not have the freedom to even practice medicine without the sacrifices of these men and women. To these men, women, their families, and those that support those in uniform, I salute you.

Reflections of Mother's Day!!

     As Mother's Day has just passed, I must write some reflections about the day that celebrates the phenomenal woman who goes through and sacrifices so much so that her offspring may feel the undeniable love that is within her.  I look back on the day that many used to express their gratitude for and to celebrate this great woman and I can't help but be thankful that I did have that mother growing up.  I also grew up with grandmothers and aunts who were a part of that village that is needed to raise a child.  Now, I also have two great mother-in-laws who have done nothing but take me into their arms as if I was their own daughter.  For these people, I tried to make sure that they felt our appreciation for their love and sacrifices throughout the years.  For all of the mothers who work so hard to raise their children, I wanted to celebrate them.  However, when it came to me celebrating this holiday, I felt so far from deserving of this honor that I was trying to think of every excuse to become "too busy" on that day.  In fact, knowing my husband's heart, I told him ahead of time that I did not want to celebrate it for myself and that I wanted to focus on those who really do the work of mothering.

     Although I am here for the day to day raising of my Bonus Daughter and now our niece, I still have struggled with the notion of not feeling like a mother.  In my mind, I know that I am doing all of the motherly duties and all that I do is because I love and care for them, but I have been struggling with the feeling that I am nothing more than a filler for their biological mothers who can't seem to see the blessing that is before them, a precious child.  These feelings have been further magnified by the continuous grieving of the little one that I never got a chance to hold.  Although the Lord does things for a reason, I still wonder if he felt that I would not be good at parenting and took our gift for his own care.  I have allowed that thought to cause me to feel that somehow, I don't deserve the honor of being called  Mom. This among other feelings has made it hard for me to accept the fact that this holiday may include me.  Before Sunday arrived, someone helped me to realize that I needed to release the gift that was taken into the arms of the Lord and pray that I can accept that my family did start in a way that I never imagined, but it is still a blessing from the Lord.

    After prayer, I felt better about going into Mother's Day, but I still had some reservations about accepting the Mother's Day greetings.  Although, I asked my husband not to do anything for me on that day, he and the children came to me after church with the most thoughtful gifts and cards that nearly made me cry.  My Bonus Daughter gave me a card that stated "Mom", my niece gave me an "Auntie" card, and my husband gave me a card that let me know how he appreciated my role in their lives.  I was so touched and realized at that moment, that mothers are not necessarily the ones who give birth to a baby.  They are not necessarily the ones who name the child or change their first diaper.  They are not necessarily the ones who see the child once or twice a year, sends them a random gift, and think everything is OK. They are not necessarily the ones who let everyone know that they are a mother, while putting no real actions behind it.  However, they are the ones who make daily sacrifices of love, time, attention, protection, instruction, and care.  I am now thankful that God has placed me in the lives of two young girls who may not have had the chance to have a consistent mother figure in their lives.  And while I am nurturing and helping them, their presence in my life has made me a better person.  Motherhood is an honor, whether they come from your womb or not.  So I say to all of the mothers, whether you are a mother, grandmother, godmother, auntie, adoptive mother, bonus mother, mother's-to-be, those who have a heart to be a mother, those who take children into their heart and home, and those who make a difference in the lives of the children around them, Happy Mother's Day, everyday!!