Being A Bonus Mom

     Since the Mother's Day holiday, I was hit with a myriad of emotions that made me explore my feelings concerning my new role as a Bonus Mom. The first one was an EXTREME appreciation for my own mother and the sacrifices that she made over the years to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of.  Of course, our childhood was not perfect and even now my relationship with my Mom is sometimes strained,  but I can still say that both of my parents were there full time and my mother was a source of support through the good and the not so good. Another emotion that I was dealing with is the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty that has come with becoming a bonus mom to my bonus daughter (the term "step" is not used in our home). In the very beginning of my journey, I had all of these grand ideas and visions about how I would come in and be this super bonus mom and that our transition would take little effort.  After all, God had brought Mr. Awesome and I together, so I thought that this new role as a bonus mom would be just a majestic.   I already knew that there were going to be a few challenges, as I was coming into the life of a child who was already established. The fact that I had not experienced motherhood myself made me nervous, but I had high hopes that what I had to bring to the table would make all defenses melt away.  Fast forwarding this story will tell you that there have been a lot of challenges with the transitioning into becoming a Bonus Mom, and in a lot of ways it has caused me to question my own ability to be a good mother to any future children that we would like to have. There have been assumptions that I should already know how to handle certain things as a new Bonus Mother to a young teenager who has had a life before I arrived and it has brought on a great sense of pressure that makes me question all of the things that I had bent over backwards to do. Perhaps, I have bent over backwards and worked too hard to try to prove that I could be all that I was expected to be and that I could accomplish all of the self-imposed  goals just to find out the hard way that I was not able to do.  In fact, the pressure and discomfort that I was feeling was partially from the fact that I was striving to be what I thought that I was supposed to, while sporting this impossible facade.  I was not being myself and was trying desperately to find my identity as a Bonus Mom.   Wow.    Then I started to wonder where was this golden book on being a Bonus Mom?   I began to watch others as they were rearing their children, because I was in a hurry trying to catch up when I was already thirteen years behind.

      It was during the Mother's Day weekend that the realities of being a Bonus Mom hit me hard. All of the questions and uncertainty that I have had while I try to get acclimated to my new role, I was forced to feel. I am at the point of releasing my new role to the Lord and letting him guide me through this journey. I am now realizing that all I can do is to be myself and use what God has equipped me with to be the role model and caregiver that I can be to my Bonus Daughter.  I know that this process will have its highs and lows, but I am thankful that my Bonus Daughter is a well rounded young lady and I am doubly thankful that Mr. Awesome has been the rock as we go through this transition.

Miss Independent

    Degree? Check....... Apartment on the lake in the city? Check....... Sports Coupe in the color that I wanted? Check....... Ability to take trips at the drop of a hat? Check.......Ability to take care of things for myself? Check....... Ability to supply my closet with shoes and purses on my own dime? Check....... Ability to change the oil in the car that I paid for? Well not quite, but I sure can pay someone to do it....... Yes, Miss Independent was in full swing and was looking cute while doing it. I had whole heartedly bought into the feminist notion that said that I can do it ALL by myself for myself.  However, there is one thing that I found out while being Miss Independent and that was that you end up just that, Independent. The fact of the matter is that Miss Independent is only cute on the outside, but on the inside there is a different story.  There was this constant struggle trying to figure out why I had all of this stuff in a lifestyle that many encouraged me to keep up, but felt a serious lack of balance.   Why did I only feel half-way content with being the sister-girl who is praised in many songs and is glorified in different secular sitcoms?  The fact of the matter is we have been given a skewed worldly standard to follow.  If we dare to be honest, the world is lying to many women about what a woman should be and the notion that you should be all things to yourself and prove that you can even perform a man's role better than he is just false. Now I am not saying that acquiring some formal education or being successful in the career world is not good , but it is unhealthy when we follow the need to reject our femininity to accomplish it.  When we examine the biblical role of womanhood, there is nothing there that says you are an entity unto yourself and it praises the woman who has learned how to be embrace her God given role without rejecting it as the world would have you to do.  

     On top of buying into the world's definition of womanhood, I let my fear of ending up in a dependent relationship like the one that I saw as a child cause me to turn against relying on someone. With this, I went overboard with my independence and went as far as to refuse to ask for help when I did not have much food during my college years. A few years before Mr. Awesome and I got together, I started going through a transformation when I realized that being Miss Independent was not God's design for womanhood.  Through a series of life's lesson's, Miss Independent was being challenged and I know at this time that God was preparing me for marriage.  As much as I had bought into the Miss Independent idea, I had to be honest about my desire for a Godly gentleman who knew how to lead, provide, and be the head of our home.  In order for me to get prepared, I needed to experience a few things that would help me to shed my flawed behaviors and thinking.  If I had married during the time that Miss Independent was in full swing, it would have been a disastrous situation . After a great deal of my transformation took place, that is when Mr. Awesome showed up. Although I was still accustomed to doing things on my own when he came around, I was very open to letting him be the man and be the great leader that God has called him to be.  I had learned to relax and let him take the lead and I am so glad that I had the time to go through the transformation that helped me to get to this point. Although there are times when the Miss will try to seep back in, I am so thankful to have a hubby who is patient through the remainder of the process. All I know is that the things that I could do as Miss Independent are nothing compared to what I can do with my wonderful hubby.