Since the Mother's Day holiday, I was hit with a myriad of emotions that made me explore my feelings concerning my new role as a Bonus Mom. The first one was an EXTREME appreciation for my own mother and the sacrifices that she made over the years to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. Of course, our childhood was not perfect and even now my relationship with my Mom is sometimes strained, but I can still say that both of my parents were there full time and my mother was a source of support through the good and the not so good. Another emotion that I was dealing with is the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty that has come with becoming a bonus mom to my bonus daughter (the term "step" is not used in our home). In the very beginning of my journey, I had all of these grand ideas and visions about how I would come in and be this super bonus mom and that our transition would take little effort. After all, God had brought Mr. Awesome and I together, so I thought that this new role as a bonus mom would be just a majestic. I already knew that there were going to be a few challenges, as I was coming into the life of a child who was already established. The fact that I had not experienced motherhood myself made me nervous, but I had high hopes that what I had to bring to the table would make all defenses melt away. Fast forwarding this story will tell you that there have been a lot of challenges with the transitioning into becoming a Bonus Mom, and in a lot of ways it has caused me to question my own ability to be a good mother to any future children that we would like to have. There have been assumptions that I should already know how to handle certain things as a new Bonus Mother to a young teenager who has had a life before I arrived and it has brought on a great sense of pressure that makes me question all of the things that I had bent over backwards to do. Perhaps, I have bent over backwards and worked too hard to try to prove that I could be all that I was expected to be and that I could accomplish all of the self-imposed goals just to find out the hard way that I was not able to do. In fact, the pressure and discomfort that I was feeling was partially from the fact that I was striving to be what I thought that I was supposed to, while sporting this impossible facade. I was not being myself and was trying desperately to find my identity as a Bonus Mom. Wow. Then I started to wonder where was this golden book on being a Bonus Mom? I began to watch others as they were rearing their children, because I was in a hurry trying to catch up when I was already thirteen years behind.
It was during the Mother's Day weekend that the realities of being a Bonus Mom hit me hard. All of the questions and uncertainty that I have had while I try to get acclimated to my new role, I was forced to feel. I am at the point of releasing my new role to the Lord and letting him guide me through this journey. I am now realizing that all I can do is to be myself and use what God has equipped me with to be the role model and caregiver that I can be to my Bonus Daughter. I know that this process will have its highs and lows, but I am thankful that my Bonus Daughter is a well rounded young lady and I am doubly thankful that Mr. Awesome has been the rock as we go through this transition.