If It's Ain' Broke, Why Fix It? Part II

     Continuing from the post last week, I felt it necessary to elaborate on the reasons why being content with co-habitation without marrying is not a good idea. 

False sense of commitment.   When there is co-habitation there is the fallacy  that it is just like
         being married.  However, with this notion that no matter how
         much time you invest, emotions that you tie into, or finances that you entangle, you can always
         walk away from the situation if the partner simply sneezes the wrong way.  This notion sets the
         partners up for a selfish type of love that only seeks to serve the interests of each individual
         person and not the partnership as a whole.  With marriage vows, you are already making the
         commitment to weather the storms of life and the  good times as well as to stay with the  
         person even if they sneeze too loudly.


Example for the children.  Many people don't really think about the example that they are setting
         for the children that may be a part of this equation, but this is not a good legacy to leave.  One
         of the biggest thought provoking questions that I have asked in these discussions before was 
         "Would you teach your daughter to let a man take all the benefits of having a wife from her   
         without a full commitment?"  We all know the saying, "Why buy the cow when the milk is
         free?" What type of example is this for the children?


False sense of financial freedom.  As is the case with the co-worker of Mr. Awesome, many people
        feel that splitting the bills down the middle is a great deal.  The fact is that it is nothing more
        than a roommate situation with other "benefits".  With a situation like that, there is no
        goal of growing your wealth together and using it for the greater good.  It is more about self
        preservation.

False sense of " I will get to know their bad habits to see if I can deal with them".  This is my
       favorite one, the try it before you buy it fallacy.  The fact of the matter is that you do not have to
       live with someone first to see if they have quirks that you find annoying.  You do not have to live
       with them to see if they are messy,  play Xbox all day, or lie constantly.  You can see those
       things with enough time, attention, and prayer before you get married.  And it does not have to
       take ten years of living together to figure it out.  No one is that slow.

     Like I previously stated, some people have lived together prior to marriage and have since married and have successful marriages, but I believe that these people are a rare few.  However, for the majority of those who feel that they need to try it before they buy it, it is not good to believe the hype.  The selfish nature that this type of thinking promotes is not a good character trait to have in any relationship.

Ephesians 5, Hebrews 13:4

If It Aint Broke, Why Fix It? (Part I)

    

     Recently, one of Mr. Awesome's co-workers needed to stop by our home for a quick visit. As he sat down he seemed nervous while looking around at the walls in our home. I asked him what was wrong in which he replied that he did not want to do something that my husband was trying to convince him to do. After more probing, I found out that he did not want to have the types of pictures hanging on his home walls that looked like the pictures hanging on ours, wedding pictures. Of course, I had to keep probing and found out that he had a live-in girlfriend, but did not see the need to make the full commitment.  Yeah, they are sharing bills, food, children, and might I assume the bed, but according to him there is no need to marry. Although they have not lived together for too long, they have been together for three years and his reasoning for not wanting to jump the broom was that he felt that he was happy with the arrangement as it is. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." is what he said to me. According to him, the marital statistics guaranteed  him personal failure at anything dealing with a marriage and he did not want to risk it.  Sure, he signed up to risk his entire life for the sake of this country, but was not willing to risk it for marriage. Hhhmm.

     Unfortunately, far too many people feel this exact way.  Looking at the statistics as well as the various relationships that are barely hanging on, it is easy to see why marital hopes are easily demolished.  However, could Mr. Awesome's co-worker be looking at things the wrong way?  Is he (like so many) falling into the attitude that marriage will fail before it has begun?  To answer that, I must say yes.  First, a lot of people think of marriage as some type of fantasy land that resembles a permanent vacation.  Yes, marriage is absolutely beautiful.  Yes, you get butterflies when you see your mate coming home from work.  Yes, you love gazing into their eyes until you both fall asleep.  However, during the times that the eye gazing is not happening, there is work to be done.  Lots of work.  When Mr. Awesome and I were in pre-marital counseling, we were taught a very true lesson.  When you say 'I do', you are really saying 'I die'.  Yes, you die everyday.  You die to selfish ambitions.  You die to attitudes that seek to weaken the marital bond.  You die to the notion that it is all about you.  You die to the myth that the marital relationship is just about getting your needs met.  The ' I die' concept is so foreign to many in the society today and that is why many walk away when they are just not feeling it.  It boils down to the fact that it is all about them when in reality marriage is made up of more than just self.

     When I heard the excuses of Mr. Awesome's co-worker, most of them had to do with his unwillingness to let go of his own self interest for the interest of the woman (and children) that he shares a home with.   He seemed perfectly content with reaping the benefits of marriage without the legal piece of paper or more importantly, the vows made in front of God.   Despite his fear, I tried to convince him that an expensive wedding is not neccessary for the wedding vows to be made .  With this being said, I must also wonder why his significant other would be content with giving away her "milk" for free.

     I do believe that he is probably a good person, but is very decieved about the why fix it notion.  It needs to be fixed because with this arrangement, the tone is already being set for selfish preservation.  Should one go into marriage with that mindset?  It is probably not a good idea.  However, I have seen cases where couples do the honorable thing after living together and I have seen some who seperate painfully after living together for years.  But I feel that it is better, if things are started on a more honrable note.      Stay tuned for Part 2.