A Letter To Our Angel Baby

Dear Angel Baby:

     This has to be the hardest letter that I have written in my life. I know that it is because it has taken me so long to write it.  I remember getting the news that you were coming (although I had the feeling you were in there before I officially found out).  We were so happy, because it was something that we prayed for and something that I had waited for until I got married .  We were smiling from ear to ear and I was becoming amazed at the changes happening in my body that let me know that you were in the womb.  Although, I was not fully ready to expose your pending arrival yet, we decided to tell a few people and those people were beyond excited too.  We started thinking of how having you in our lives would bring joy (and sleepless nights) to our family.  I couldn't help but wonder whose nose you would have or whose eyes you would get.  I couldn't help but think of all of the cute little clothes that I would dress you up in and how all the grandmas would have to fight for your attention.  I started imaging your dad playing with you and being there for all of your many milestones while I would be right there too.  I looked up to God thanking him for answering our prayers.

     I was at work one day and I had a sign that you might be in trouble so I rushed to the Emergency Room and after much examination, the staff pulled up the ultrasound picture and I got a chance to see you.  You were so small and precious, although I could not make out any body parts.  The nurses all had smiles and it looked as if they were just as excited to see you in the womb as I was.  They sent me home and told me that it was a threatened miscarriage and that it should be OK.  I told your dad and he seemed a little worried, but we prayed.  When I went to the doctor the next week to do a regular check up, they could not find you anywhere in my womb.  The doctor took me to her office and asked me what was I going to do about it.  I assured her that there was a baby in the womb, because I saw it some days earlier.  So after she confirmed it with the Emergency Department, she let me know what I was afraid to hear. You had gone to be with the Lord...............................................

     I called your dad, whom had just gotten off work, and I could hardly get out what I needed to say because there was no audible sound coming from me, but the tears falling.  I felt like I could not move.  I felt like I could not breath.  How was I going to drive home from the doctor's office?  I could not understand how that small and precious being had been taken away from us.  How could the answered prayer be taken away from us?  How did our smiles and happy anticipation turn into grief.  I can not fully explain the feeling that I had on that day or the days to follow as I was miscarrying you.  That was one of the hardest times that I have ever experienced. I felt grief, shame, guilt,  disappointment, discouragement, and withdrawal.  Did I do something wrong to make you leave?  Did God see that I was not fit to be a mother?  I had so many questions.  I started to envy women who were carrying their babies to full term, even if they were not happy about having their baby.  I started avoiding being in situations where I would be reminded of our loss.  I was becoming bitter, while still knowing that everything the Lord does is for a reason.  It says in Proverbs 3:5 to trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, but I was still having a hard time processing that.  I knew this in my spirit, but my flesh would not accept it.

     I must say that over time, it has gotten a little easier, but my heart still wonders.  My heart still imagines you being here with us crawling around on the floor at this point.  My heart still imagines that your dad, I, and your big sister would all be playing with you and seeing after you.  My heart still longs for you and I do still cry (like now).  Although, I still struggle with these things, I know that the Lord did this for a reason.  I know that his will is supreme and his way is perfect.  I believe that you are in heaven with him.  I am so sad that I didn't get to hold you in my arms,  but I know that we will see you again.  Although I did not get to meet you here on earth, I love you so much and I miss you.
Today, my heart submits you to God.

Mommy