Love Letter To Hubby

Dear Mr. Awesome:

     I know that I have told you on numerous occasions, but I must say it again.  I am so thankful to God who answered my prayers for putting us together. MANY prayers later and he blessed me with more than I even asked for on my list. I just want to say thank you for being the husband that you are to me. Thank you for being all of those things that a husband should be: the priest, protector, and provider of our home.  Thank you for being the source of support that I have counted on during the times of laughter and the times of tears. Thank you for the patience that you have displayed as I have a personal funeral for the remains of Miss Independent.  Thanks for being the one that I have counted on to share in my triumphs and for being the one that I have cried on when I had heart breaking disappointments.  Thanks or putting up with my quirks as I put up with yours. Thanks for showing such transparency with me and letting me know that we are a team. I am so thankful to have you to share dreams with and work towards them together. Although, life has already thrown us a few curve balls, I am thankful to have you to duck and dodge them with. This list does not fully represent all of the ways that I am thankful for you, but I'm doubly glad to have you in my life.

Love,

Amanda

What's In A Name?

" Should I keep my original last name? Should I hyphenate my last name? Should I turn my original last name into my new middle name while adding his last name? What about my degree, certificates, and professional license that has my original name on it? What about the feminist view that says that taking my husband's last name is a sign of his ownership of me? Wouldn't it be disrespectful to my father if I should shed my last name for a new one? "


     There are many arguments about the changing of the new wife's last name to that of her husband, but it was never a question for me if I would change it. Although it is more tradition than biblical, I always knew that when I got married I would take the last name of my husband and relinquish my original last name. To me taking my husband's last name is in no way showing a form of his ownership of me or a disrespect of my father, but is a showing of my willingness to be under my husband's Godly leadership of our home. For me it shows a form of the unity that we are continuously building as a couple, because a name is only a drop in the bucket of things that you need to be unified on. The changing of the last name shows how important our covenant with each other is to me. It far outweighs the process that it is taking to change my last name legally and the process of proving that I am the person named on my college degree and professional license. I am honored to take the last name of such an awesome husband. Besides, with this new last name, alphabetically, I do not have to wait in line as long as I use to. :-)

Being A Bonus Mom

     Since the Mother's Day holiday, I was hit with a myriad of emotions that made me explore my feelings concerning my new role as a Bonus Mom. The first one was an EXTREME appreciation for my own mother and the sacrifices that she made over the years to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of.  Of course, our childhood was not perfect and even now my relationship with my Mom is sometimes strained,  but I can still say that both of my parents were there full time and my mother was a source of support through the good and the not so good. Another emotion that I was dealing with is the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty that has come with becoming a bonus mom to my bonus daughter (the term "step" is not used in our home). In the very beginning of my journey, I had all of these grand ideas and visions about how I would come in and be this super bonus mom and that our transition would take little effort.  After all, God had brought Mr. Awesome and I together, so I thought that this new role as a bonus mom would be just a majestic.   I already knew that there were going to be a few challenges, as I was coming into the life of a child who was already established. The fact that I had not experienced motherhood myself made me nervous, but I had high hopes that what I had to bring to the table would make all defenses melt away.  Fast forwarding this story will tell you that there have been a lot of challenges with the transitioning into becoming a Bonus Mom, and in a lot of ways it has caused me to question my own ability to be a good mother to any future children that we would like to have. There have been assumptions that I should already know how to handle certain things as a new Bonus Mother to a young teenager who has had a life before I arrived and it has brought on a great sense of pressure that makes me question all of the things that I had bent over backwards to do. Perhaps, I have bent over backwards and worked too hard to try to prove that I could be all that I was expected to be and that I could accomplish all of the self-imposed  goals just to find out the hard way that I was not able to do.  In fact, the pressure and discomfort that I was feeling was partially from the fact that I was striving to be what I thought that I was supposed to, while sporting this impossible facade.  I was not being myself and was trying desperately to find my identity as a Bonus Mom.   Wow.    Then I started to wonder where was this golden book on being a Bonus Mom?   I began to watch others as they were rearing their children, because I was in a hurry trying to catch up when I was already thirteen years behind.

      It was during the Mother's Day weekend that the realities of being a Bonus Mom hit me hard. All of the questions and uncertainty that I have had while I try to get acclimated to my new role, I was forced to feel. I am at the point of releasing my new role to the Lord and letting him guide me through this journey. I am now realizing that all I can do is to be myself and use what God has equipped me with to be the role model and caregiver that I can be to my Bonus Daughter.  I know that this process will have its highs and lows, but I am thankful that my Bonus Daughter is a well rounded young lady and I am doubly thankful that Mr. Awesome has been the rock as we go through this transition.

Miss Independent

    Degree? Check....... Apartment on the lake in the city? Check....... Sports Coupe in the color that I wanted? Check....... Ability to take trips at the drop of a hat? Check.......Ability to take care of things for myself? Check....... Ability to supply my closet with shoes and purses on my own dime? Check....... Ability to change the oil in the car that I paid for? Well not quite, but I sure can pay someone to do it....... Yes, Miss Independent was in full swing and was looking cute while doing it. I had whole heartedly bought into the feminist notion that said that I can do it ALL by myself for myself.  However, there is one thing that I found out while being Miss Independent and that was that you end up just that, Independent. The fact of the matter is that Miss Independent is only cute on the outside, but on the inside there is a different story.  There was this constant struggle trying to figure out why I had all of this stuff in a lifestyle that many encouraged me to keep up, but felt a serious lack of balance.   Why did I only feel half-way content with being the sister-girl who is praised in many songs and is glorified in different secular sitcoms?  The fact of the matter is we have been given a skewed worldly standard to follow.  If we dare to be honest, the world is lying to many women about what a woman should be and the notion that you should be all things to yourself and prove that you can even perform a man's role better than he is just false. Now I am not saying that acquiring some formal education or being successful in the career world is not good , but it is unhealthy when we follow the need to reject our femininity to accomplish it.  When we examine the biblical role of womanhood, there is nothing there that says you are an entity unto yourself and it praises the woman who has learned how to be embrace her God given role without rejecting it as the world would have you to do.  

     On top of buying into the world's definition of womanhood, I let my fear of ending up in a dependent relationship like the one that I saw as a child cause me to turn against relying on someone. With this, I went overboard with my independence and went as far as to refuse to ask for help when I did not have much food during my college years. A few years before Mr. Awesome and I got together, I started going through a transformation when I realized that being Miss Independent was not God's design for womanhood.  Through a series of life's lesson's, Miss Independent was being challenged and I know at this time that God was preparing me for marriage.  As much as I had bought into the Miss Independent idea, I had to be honest about my desire for a Godly gentleman who knew how to lead, provide, and be the head of our home.  In order for me to get prepared, I needed to experience a few things that would help me to shed my flawed behaviors and thinking.  If I had married during the time that Miss Independent was in full swing, it would have been a disastrous situation . After a great deal of my transformation took place, that is when Mr. Awesome showed up. Although I was still accustomed to doing things on my own when he came around, I was very open to letting him be the man and be the great leader that God has called him to be.  I had learned to relax and let him take the lead and I am so glad that I had the time to go through the transformation that helped me to get to this point. Although there are times when the Miss will try to seep back in, I am so thankful to have a hubby who is patient through the remainder of the process. All I know is that the things that I could do as Miss Independent are nothing compared to what I can do with my wonderful hubby.

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

     I was never one of those girls who had her wedding planned out by the age of ten and since I was never in a wedding until I was an adult in my cousin's wedding, my experience was very limited. I always knew that I wanted something nice, but wanted to focus more on the reason why a wedding was being held in the first place and that is why I didn't collect bridal magazines and peak into wedding shops until it was time. So after the proposal,   Mr. Awesome left most of the details up to me and my optimistic and naive self went to work on planning this wedding that I was determined was going to be "simple" and nice. Everyone was going to be happy to celebrate with us and support us without imposing any confusion. Yep.  After we came up with the budget , everything else was going to fall into place.  It was just going to be that simple.

      Between finding out the hefty price tags of the various venues and hearing of the different requests that we "needed" to meet in order for someone else to be comfortable at our wedding, I was becoming overwhelmed fast.  I know that weddings are not only a special time for the bride and groom, but also for each of the families.  However when all of the requests started rolling in, it was starting to look like we were just going to be the bride and groom at someone else's major film production. I never understood why we were being asked to order the most expensive meal on the menu when the wedding was being solely funded by Mr. Awesome and I.  To this day, I still don't understand why someone told me that we would regret it if we did not register for gifts when between Mr. Awesome and I, we had enough kitchen utensils and blankets. I am still baffled as to why the wedding was deemed to be unconventional because we decided not to have ring bearers that probably couldn't care less about dragging a floppy pillow down the aisle. Somehow, someone made it seem as if our marriage would not start off right unless we ordered a china pattern. A china pattern?! How does our use of candles instead of flowers for table centerpieces affect your personal well-being?  Why should there be an argument about one particular song not showing up on the play list because it is one of your personal favorites? How is it inconsiderate that the wedding was scheduled at a time of day that you would not have picked for the wedding that you did NOT plan? How did our wedding date selection become something that we needed to consult your personal calendar for?  My focus was quickly shifting from the reason that we were having the wedding in the first place and was moving toward trying to accommodate everyone else's desires. I was trying my best to enjoy the process, but was having a hard time with that. Most people were probably well meaning, but did not know how much stress their two cents was causing and I was getting more and more stressed as I realized that I could not meet all of the expectations. On top of the planning, I had just made a major move, changed jobs, changed churches, left some familiar friends and territory and was trying to adjust to it all at one time, while planning the wedding from out of state. Whew.  Don't get me wrong, there were some absolutely fun times with planning the wedding, but the process was nothing I was prepared for, even after receiving advice from other brides who had recently conquered the planning.  I must say that one of the most peaceful and fun parts was the dress shopping. Ironically enough, I found THE DRESS on a chance visit to a bridal shop that I was just browsing through on my way to another shop. To share that moment with others was a true delight, and one of the most joyous parts of the wedding planning.

     The last few weeks before the wedding were so stressful that I begged Mr. Awesome to elope at our honeymoon spot.  Our honeymoon spot was a secret kept from me, but all I knew was that I just wanted to get there and unite with the love of my life in a peaceful and lovely way. Forget the deposits, the flower arrangements, the wretched guest list, the grueling menu. That was my attitude about it, but deep down I knew that there would be regrets it if we did not have the ceremony that we really wanted. We did press through the trenches that lasted up through the rehearsal the night before the wedding, and sadly a 14 year friendship with my Matron of Honor finally unraveled the night before our wedding.  I needed to get refocused and I prayed before I went to bed. After much prayer, it happened.  I woke up very early on the morning of September 3rd and I had a peace that could have only come from above. My heart was full of joy knowing that I was marrying the love of my life.  I got up to get ready to unite with Mr. Awesome and I knew that no matter what happened that day, everything was going to be OK. If the cake did not arrive on time, or if my hair did not turn out right, or if some of our guests complained about the food that we worked hard to pay for,  it was going to be OK. I didn't spend years praying for the perfect wedding, I prayed for a wonderful mate and that is what God gave me. In the end the wedding turned out to be wonderful and worth the pain that it took to plan it, but the best part was when we said 'I do'.

How Our Engagement Helped Prepare Me For Our Marriage (Part II)

Check out Part I to see what I learned during our engagement.

  * Keeping God First Is The Only Option. This should have been at the top of the list and is our priority. My husband and I are believers of Christ and believe through him we came together as a couple. It is also through him that we are able to withstand storms that are an inevitable part of life including those in relationships. One of the most memorable illustrations that was learned in pre-marital counseling was that of the triangle in which God is the head and we are connected on the other ends of the complete triangle.

  * Communicate. This was and is one of the best pieces of advice that I am thankful to have received before our wedding. Communicate with each other. We actually started our relationship with constant communication over the phone until we officially began our courtship and it was during this time that we got to know a lot about each other. For the majority of our courtship, we were long distance with lots of plane trips in between and communication was one of the important factors that kept us together. The importance of it became more prevalent as we got closer to our wedding and now that we are post wedding, it is something that keeps us on the same page. Now, there are times when we have miscommunication and have had an unnecessary disagreement, but that is a part of the work that we are doing to make sure that we stay on the same page. I am so glad that Mr. Awesome is always trying to make sure we are on the same page.

* Love Languages. Before and during our pre-marital counseling sessions, we read a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. In the book we learned how each other receives love. In Mr. Awesome's case, I learned that his primary love language is Words of Affirmation. and that is how he receives love. My primary love language on the other hand is Physical Touch. If I were to show him love in my primary language, then I may get offended when he does not interpret it as I would and vice versa. There are times when I slip and want to show him in the way that I receive love. One good thing is that among our top three, we do share the same love language of Quality Time. I love spending quality time with him.

These are some of the things that I learned along the way to help me in my transition into marriage and they have been beneficial . I know that I am still growing, but I am enjoying the ride.

How Our Engagement Help Prepare Me For Marriage (Part I)

     
     It was September 24, 2010, a beautiful, crisp summer day. The sun was smiling at us, the birds were chirping a special love song , the heart shaped clouds were graciously dancing across the sky, and Mr. Awesome had just proposed to me in the airport lobby. He knew that I loved public displays of affection and proposed in a way that touched my heart. Our love had been taken to another level and I was on Cloud Eleven, because Cloud Nine could not hold me. After days of smiles that stretched our cheek muscles, it was time to enjoy our engagement and plan the wedding that would celebrate our union. This was a great time, but it was also a time that I was challenged the most. I must say that I was not expecting all of the things that would come during this time of engagement, but I now know that they were necessary in order to truly prepare us to begin our lives together. Here are some of the things that I learned during this special period of our lives.

* Leaving and Cleaving really begins after you are engaged. Genesis 2:24 states "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." I always knew this verse, but never really had to exercise this until after the engagement. Sure, I had left my parents home when I was seventeen to go to college and have lived away from my hometown for over ten years, but I never realized that leaving and cleaving meant more than the physical distance and the financial freedom that I had for those years. It also meant a reprioritizing detachment from my family of origin in order to start my new primary family as well as getting into the family that I was marrying into. I did not know that the process would be as emotional for me as it was, but it was a necessary part of the transition as I turned my allegiance to my hubby-to-be. So many marriages are ruined, because someone did not leave and cleave. During this time, I no longer had as much time to talk to my family on the phone, nor was I as available to hang out with some friends as much as I once did. Some people understood what was happening and some were upset. Although, I value and love my family and friends deeply, my number one priority outside of God is my new family. There is no neglect for my family and friends, but the time and access are more limited.

* Going from "Me" to "We" helps you to prepare for becoming a team. This was definitely a time when my transition to being married took root. After, we courted long distance for the majority of our relationship, I figured it was time to move to the same city (no cohabitation) with Mr. Awesome before our wedding. This really helped us to continue our transition and this was definitely a time where we did things and made major decisions as a team concerning everything from the wedding to what goals we had for our marriage, things that we do even more so now. This was also a bit of a challenge for me, because I was accustomed to doing things according to my own system without consulting others and this was a time of trying to create a new system that would work for both of us. And now that we are married, I see how important it is to be a team as we meld our family together. There are times when it gets challenging, but is still rewarding.

* It is EXTREMELY important to watch who you let near your relationship. This was a tough and big lesson to learn. Not everyone likes to see you happy and will use whatever means that they have to rain on your parade.  I experienced a couple of tests concerning this during our engagement, but knew that our union was worth fighting for and protecting. Some access doors needed to be shut to our relationship during the engagement and during our marriage. On the other hand, there were those who poured positivity and blessings into our union and I am so thankful for those people and couples and look to those for further encouragement now that we are married.

Stay Tuned For Part II on Thursday.