Coming Home

  One month after I turned the ripe old age of sixteen, I was behind a cash register of a popular fast food restaurant, asking customers about the size drink they wanted.  I was so eager to work outside of my home that I asked my parents to drive me down to the restaurant with the 'Now Hiring' sign on the billboard and I quickly filled out a paper application.  A beam of pride surrounded me after I was hired, because I felt that this bold move would be the beginning of my independence.  It was an independence that was shining bright even through the fact that my parents had to drive me to my place of independence.  From that time on, I believed in the almighty time-clock that most often hung on a wall in a narrow hall or an office somewhere.  After  I graduated from high school and made my move to the big college campus, I really felt the obligation to continue to work as those tuition bills began to roll in.  The money that I was making became less about luxuries and more about necessities. It was seriously challenging to hold a job and try to further my education, but I was determined and proud.  Although, I had the emotional and moral support from my parents, I knew that they did not have the extra finances to help.  So keeping an outside job was not only a source of pride, but it was also a necessity.

     After I graduated from college, I was blessed to begin enjoying a career that I deeply loved and appreciated. To have a career that I really enjoyed brought on a satisfaction that I was proud of. And that was something that I was able to bring with me as I entered into Holy Matrimony with Mr. Awesome.  I knew early on that working for me was my choice in our marriage, but we did not have any small babies, so it was nothing that I put much thought into as I made the drive into work.  During a portion of our marriage, I did work part time, so that I could have more time to be the keeper of our home.  Mr. Awesome has always been supportive of my choices, but together we made a great team.  Fast forward a few years into our marriage, I finally became pregnant with our sweet Alayna.  Like most women,  I had a choice to make. I knew that I wanted to take time off to be in the bliss and duty of new motherhood. Yet, the real question was how long would I stay off work.  I continued to work throughout my pregnancy until it became too physically taxing at the eight month mark.  My boss graciously worked with me to find a viable solution as I pondered over what decision to make.  As I pondered this decision, I thought of the countless other women who did not have the option to stay home and had to make the sacrificial choice of having someone care for their precious baby while they made financial means.  To these ladies, I tip my hat because neither decision is easy.  It made me even more grateful that I could freely make such choice with the support of my husband.  In the end, I decided to leave my job a few weeks before Alayna was born.  But the real moment of truth and perspective came when she was born and I held her in my arms for the first time. At that very moment,  I knew that we had made the right decision for our family.  It was then, that I had total peace with having made the choice to come home.

Pregnancy Chronicles (Part I)

Courtesy of Eclipse Photography by Design (James Williams)

   First Trimester

     I remember seeing pregnant women walking along their merry way while smiling from ear to ear, with their hair blowing in the wind, and a glow on their faces that was contagious.  I would often see them rub their ever expanding baby bellies while gleefully sharing their excitement for their new addition to be. I would see people doting over them as the mommies-to-be relished in their delicate state and I thought that they looked so happy. So when I became pregnant with our sweet Alayna, I just knew in my heart that I would share the same sentiments.  I knew that I would have that special glow that pregnant mommies often have and I would not have any discomforts, especially since I rarely caught a cold.  Just a few shorts days after our positive pregnancy test, the reality of pregnancy came in like a mighty rushing wind.  I would wake up in the morning with an upchuck episode and these episodes kept coming to the point that I would have about five per day. Day after day.  It would happen anywhere in the home, in the car, and at work.  In fact, I missed a lot of work during this time because things were so rough. I started driving hubby's car instead of mine because the smell of my own car sparked an episode.  The smell of grease outside of restaurants would trigger an episode, as did the smell of garlic. Although I was a hungry woman, I couldn't keep anything down and the major source of my nutrition came from the IV fluids they gave me in the emergency room.  I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is an excess of nausea, vomiting, and dehydration.  By the end of my first trimester, I had lost 20 pounds and it was noticeable.  When people began to notice my slimmer face,  I just passed it off as having been under the weather since I wasn't ready to share the news yet. The thing that really kept me going during this time was seeing our baby moving around during an ultrasound.  Just to see the heartbeat and wiggly legs, I knew that this discomfort was worth it.

Second Trimester

     Around the 13th week, the nausea subsided, but I still had an average of five episodes per day.  I was feeling a bit better and was able to resume my normal work schedule, yet I still had not told many people what was going on especially since I was not showing.  On top of this, Mr. Awesome was deployed, so I was in the battle semi alone.  At this time, we were trying to figure out if we wanted to know the sex of the baby.  I wanted to know but Mr. Awesome sternly claimed that he did not want to know until the birth.  We had many debates over this and it turned out that he was just as excited to find out before the birth, but felt the need to play around with me.  Since he was on deployment, we used Facetime during the appointed time in which we both found out that our baby was a girl.  Thank God for technology.  After the initial shock of finding out that our baby was a girl, I began to buy little outfits and hair bows to get prepared for the mountain of cuteness that was on its way.  It was also during this time that an unfortunate family emergency brought Mr. Awesome home from deployment early.  Even with the emergency, I was glad to have him home to share the rest of the pregnancy with.

Third Trimester

      As they say, the third trimester is tough.  Space was getting tight, my hips were taking a beating, and this is when the waddle became real.  This was also when people really knew for certain that I was pregnant without wondering if my belly was just flabby. Yes, baby girl was showing.  Finally, I did have a glow as I was anticipating the arrival of our little one.  However, that glow did not show the inner readiness to feel like a normal person again.  The glow did not show the desire to have  my energy back.  The glow definitely did not show the lack of sleep that I was getting, because I had to sit up most nights to be comfortable.  The glow did not show the effect of the summer heat on a pregnant body and my relief with a cup of ice and Coca Cola.  I never liked Coke until I was pregnant.  But, with all of the discomforts of the third trimester, I was so ready and excited to meet our baby girl................. Then one morning, labor started . . .  . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Happy Father's Day, Honey!!

 

     From the time that I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a loving husband in my life.  Among the qualities that I prayed for, I knew that I wanted him to be a great father for our children.   That is one of the things that attracted me to Mr. Awesome.  I saw how he was with my Bonus daughter.  Although things weren't always perfect, I saw that he was a great father, much like the example that I had from my own father.  Seeing the way he has fathered and now how he dotes over our babies is a site to behold.  I love his provision and protection over them.  I love how he lights up when he comes in the door to see them and how our toddler always does this happy dance when he comes home.  I love his support of me being home with them.  I can't say enough about how blessed I am to have him as their father and my parenting partner.  I look forward to all of the days to come as we go through the trenches of raising them. Thank you, God, for the gift of my hubby and to him I say,  Happy Father's Day!

My Beauty, Their Beauty

 


  

To Alayna and Yazmine,

       In a world where your beauty will be measured up against an unrealistic standard of airbrushed models and scantily clothed entertainers, I want you to know that your beauty is God-given and is not dependent on the amount of skin that you show.  In a society that will try to make you ashamed of true femininity, it is my desire that you will walk in the full beauty of what God has placed in you as young girls and someday women.  In a culture that will try to judge you for having more or less melanin in your skin than others, I want you to know that God has put his personal seal on your beautiful shades of Mocha.  It was he who made all shades.  In a world that will try to convince you that you have to have certain physical features or a certain body size in order to be accepted, just know that your features and size are something to be content with.  Yet, we must treat our temples with respect.  Whether you are quiet like your mama or loud like your dad, I hope that you accept these traits and use them to speak up for the helpless and talk for the voiceless.  It is my desire that you look in the mirror at the curly and coilly locks on your heads and confidently flip your hair as you go on about your day, because your mama is flipping her hair too.  It is my hope that you look at your height, whether it be tall or short and see the unique benefits of it.  Whether you have a straight smile like your dad or a unique crooked one like me, I want you to always smile your biggest smile, because that is one way of letting the light that God put in you shine. Don't forget to rejoice with others who also shine the light that God has given them.   And about those chiseled arms that I know that you two inherited like your big sis, wave them proudly as your mama proudly waves her not so chiseled arms. Someone may be forgotten or ignored all day until you wave to them.  I pray that you always walk with your heads held high, not because you are overly confident but because you confidently know where your beauty really comes from.  It does not come from a magazine cover or a television commercial. It does not come from someone's opinion on a particular day or the amount of money that you have, it comes from the Lord. In him, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and wonderful are his works (Psalms 139:14). It is with this confidence that you can go out and fulfill your God-given assignment and I know that he has something special for you two to do.  Always remember that there is only one beautiful you, so don't waste time trying to be someone else.


Love,
Your mama

If I Had Known....... Beauty in the wait

   

When I cried and begged the Lord to bless my womb, I could not imagine what he would have in store for me.  I did not imagine that the journey to conceive our rainbow baby would include two miscarriages and a failed adoption.  I did not know that there would be days of seeing the dream that I felt entitled to end up in someone else's lap, time after time. I did not believe that I should have to endure the heartache of infertility and uncertainty, because I am a good Christian woman and I should not have to endure such a thing, right?  False. I did not know that my faith would be rocked in this area, because although God took me through many growing seasons, I did not feel like I needed growth any further in faith.  False. I did not know that I would find myself wishing that I could send the "stork" our location via iPhone, because clearly he must have been lost. Ultimately, I did not know that God was preparing me for something that I did not see coming. God was stripping some things from me in order to prepare me for what he was about to do.  A sermon that I heard a couple of years ago had me in tears as I realized that God did not owe us anything. He did not owe us additional children outside of the beautiful Bonus daughter that I already have. He did not even owe me the numerous blessings that he already laid upon me over the years.  His grace and mercy are sufficient.

     We were going through an adoption process and had a bad "break-up" with the agency over philosophical differences.  We were devastated and could not understand what it was that God was telling us.  Everything that we had tried ended up in utter disappointment. Was he telling us to surrender our dreams?  Was he showing us that we are not in control?  Was he telling us to put our focus back on him?  Just a few days after our departure from the agency, we found out we were pregnant.  The initial part of the pregnancy we really did not rejoice, because of the disappointments we had just been through (and because of my extreme sickness). Yet, in the depths of my being, I had a peace that although we had been disappointed before, I knew that this little baby would be alright.  And she was.  Nine months later, coming out at 6 pounds and 11 ounces, hollering and screaming, we welcomed our little Alayna.  As we were basking in the joys and sleepless nights of new parenthood, the Lord reminded us of his abundance when we found out we were pregnant again just six months later. My cup runneth over.  Now we have two beautiful babies, Alayna and Yazmine, and mama hasn't seen a full night of sleep since 2016.  Looking at the journey to get to this point, has me thankful for all of the nights crying out to God.  I did not believe that he heard, but he was preparing me.  Now as I look into the face of our toddler who has redecorated the kitchen floor with a bag of flour or our infant who insists on doing acrobatics in her bassinet, I am reminded that the Lord was preparing me for such a time as this and I am loving every minute of it. . . . . . . . . Now it is time to go clean up this flour off the floor.

Picture Perfect

    
    

     I was reflecting the other day about the many blessings in my life and how this picture alone says much about some of these blessings.  This picture reveals some of the abundance that God has poured into my life.  With all of the beautiful green grass and tress in the background, my loving husband that has always supported me standing beside me, and our bundle of joy that we are in love with, many may assume that things are perfect.  Although this picture gleams of that notion, there are some things that are not shown in this photo.  Yes the grass and trees are a reflection of the beautiful Spring time, yet someone had to mow and care for it to make this picture colorful.  Yes, my wonderful husband is standing beside me supporting me on this joyous occasion, but there have been times that he had to exercise extra patience and love to deal with some of my moodiness. There have been times when my own smile was not there for him because he was testing my patience.  Yes, I am rocking the Cap & Gown after receiving my Master's Degree, but many people have no idea that this journey started exactly twenty years ago.  This picture does not show the many tears and times that I felt like giving up on my journey to graduation.  This picture does not show the times that I was discouraged by outsiders to forfeit my goal.  This picture also does not show a wife caring for her family and delivering our newborn in between classes while typing papers.  This picture does show our special addition to our family, our precious baby girl.  Yet, this picture does not show the years of heartbreak behind two miscarriages, a failed adoption, and the final surrender before we conceived again.  Although those things aren't shown in the photo, it is those things that I am most grateful to God for.  I do believe that God allowed me to conquer the ups and downs so that I can tell a testimony of his goodness.  I guess you can say that this is the Picture Perfect Testimony.  To God be the Glory!

Beauty Is .............

     As young girls, we often look at the women in our lives, mainly our moms to get our beauty barometer.  If these ladies have an obsession with what society says that we "ought" to look like, then we will often follow in their foot steps.  As young girls, we have found ourselves looking in mirrors while turning to the side and trying to figure out how we can make ourselves look skinny.  We pull on our hair to see how long it would be if it was naturally straight.  We look at the television commercials and convince ourselves that we will be more acceptable if we use the same beauty product that the model used that gave her that special glow and that smile that attracts anyone.  The unfortunate thing about this is the fact that this poison gets more intense as we become older.  More and more women are flocking to stores to empty the racks of high fashioned weave that does not even closely resemble their natural hair texture.  The cosmetic industry rakes in billions annually for the sake of helping us become more "beautiful".

    I wont even begin to say that I do not like to play in make-up or have worn weave before.  However, I am coming to a point where my definition of beauty comes from the biblical standard versus the worldly standard.  After all, it is God who made us and has given us a standard of how we should be.  Before we continue to stress ourselves about the latest and greatest in beauty trends, we need to look at the true priceless beauty that is described in his word:

-Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be 
     praised.
   
      It is important to keep in mind that the fear of the Lord is important and precious to him.

-Peter 3:3-4: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

    Of course, this does not mean that you can not braid your hair or wear gold, but that what is more
     important to God is the inner beauty which is a gentle and quiet spirit.

- I Timothy 4:8: Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is more important, for it  
  promises a reward in this life and the next.

    Of course it is important to take care of the only physical temple that we are blessed with, but what
    is more important is the spiritual exercise.


    Although, we should take pride in keeping our temples fit and  God honoring, we need to remember that it is not the size of our bottoms or the length of our hair that makes us beautiful, but on those things that are important to the Lord.